Three Tips for Improving Your Self Talk & Self Esteem
Most of us know that we are our harshest critics, but that often doesn’t keep us from continuing to be mean to ourselves. One thing I often point out in therapy is that shaming ourselves doesn’t actually motivate us to do any better at the thing we are failing at. It typically has the opposite effect, it keeps us stuck, and LESS likely to change or improve. So the big question is, what can you do about it?
Pay Attention
You can’t change something if you aren’t aware is happening. Often self talk is quiet chatter running at a low volume in the back of your brain, so soft it can be hard to hear. If you can’t hear it, you also can’t challenge it or change it. That’s the tricky part. First, you will need to start looking out for the things you say to yourself when you make a mistake or a perceived mistake. It may sound like, “What is wrong with you,” “I am always screwing up,” “I am never going to get past this,” “I am such a loser,” “I am so fat/ugly,” “I am such an idiot.” Once you start noticing the thoughts it can help to write them down and keep a running list, which in turn will help you continue to stay aware of them.
2. Label it
When you are able to put a word to something it helps you both grasp it better and do something about it. It’s the old AA saying, “name it to tame it.” Come up with a name for your inner critic or inner bully. It could be something creative that makes you laugh, maybe a mean teacher you had in elementary school or just straight forward, “my inner bully” I know this sounds simple, but labeling the voice as something other than you, takes the inner critic outside of yourself and acknowledges it’s not YOUR voice or coming from your authentic self. Labeling helps remind you that these thoughts and judgments aren’t facts. This step is SO important for changing your inner dialogue.
3. Be Curious
Once you start becoming more aware of your inner critic, whats next? The key is this, stay curious and non judgmental. Curiosity lends towards adjusting, tweaking, changing. Judgment leads to feeling like crap and shutting down. Right now, think of a recent mistake and then say to yourself, “I'm such an idiot.” Notice what happens in your body, it likely deflates or tenses up. Shame is a dead end. Now try saying to yourself, “I wonder why that happened again?” or “I wonder why I keep falling into____ over and over?” Notice what happens in your body now, still as tense? If you are continuing to make the same mistakes, there are likely some good reasons for it, and once you start exploring what those are (for ex: anxiety, being tired from not getting enough sleep, needing a skill that you don’t currently have but can learn etc.), you can do something about it. These observations are also great to bring into therapy sessions.
By paying attention, labeling and being curious you will quickly see how much faster you are able to improve things you have been feeling stuck in. You will also enjoy being in your company a lot more as well, and since you are stuck with yourself, you may enjoy being with yourself!
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