Your Relationship Can Poke your Wounds or Heal Them
One of my favorite parts of working with couples is seeing them start to better understand each others traumas and attachment wounds and work towards healing them for each other. It is such a beautiful thing to witness. You may not even realize that you have the capacity to be the salve for your partners pain, but you do and they have the capacity to that for you as well!
Most couples come into counseling because they are sick of communicating in a way that makes them want to make them want to bang their heads against a wall. What they don’t realize is that in the process of learning how to more effectively get their needs met lies an amazing opportunity. Nobody had a perfect childhood and we all have wounds either from peers, parents, and negative previous relationships that impact the way we see ourselves and the world. Even if you had a good relationship with your primary caregivers and attachment figures, the world is a tough place and inevitably we get hurt along the way.
In the process of learning how to communicate in a way that maintains the safety and security of your relationship, you are creating a safe place for you both to heal old wounds. Let’s say for example one of your parents was overly critical. You knew they loved you, but with their love came pressure to be perfect by their standards. In your relationship, this is going to make you very sensitive to even the slightest form of criticism. You likely feel criticized by your partner and get easily defensive. Don’t get me wrong, they have their part in this dynamic too and there is a good chance you were drawn to someone who also by nature might be critical. We tend to be drawn to people who fit our wounds. However, herein lies the opportunity.
Once you discover that your partner is triggering one of your childhood wounds, in this case, is critical just like one of your parents, you can do something about it. In therapy, you can really slow down the process of how this is getting triggered. Maybe it’s a particular look in your partner's eyes that reminds you of that parent, it could also be tone of voice, particular use of words or mannerisms. You get to explore what your partner is feeling when they are making that face, using those mannerisms, tone of voice etc. Oftentimes they aren’t thinking or feeling what you think or assume they are. They may be experiencing their own fears of inadequacy. Nobody likes to feel insecure so we often cover that up with other feelings, like anger, frustration or annoyance. But once we slow things down and peel back those layers, partners can find ways of sharing with each other that don’t trigger that particular wound.
The benefit of going through this process goes beyond giving you a happier and more fulfilling relationship, it also helps you heal as an individual and translates to how you relate to other people in your lives. Your relationship is one of the few places in your life where you can heal your attachment and relational trauma. Depending on what type of relationship you are in, it can either poke these wounds or help heal them. If your relationship is poking those wounds on a regular basis it’s better to get help sooner than later, so you can have the opportunity to both create an environment that is healing for both of you. There is no better feeling than feeling truly loved and accepted for who you are and that is worth fighting for and working for. If this resonates with you, please feel free to reach out for a 15 min consultation to see if I can be of any help.