Your Relationship Can Either Poke Your Baggage or Help Heal It.

Nobody had a perfect childhood and we all show up to relationships with our own baggage. That can come from our family of origin, peers growing up and/or previous relationships, which all  impact the way we see ourselves and the world. Even if you had a good relationship with your parents and family, the world is a tough place and inevitably we get hurt along the way and  have some battle wounds to show for it.  

Your relationship can either be a place that pokes at those wounds or heals them.  Let’s say for example one of your parents was overly critical. You knew they loved you, but with their love came pressure to perform at  a certain standard. Maybe you had a sibling that was “perfect’ and deep down felt you could never measure up.  In your relationship, this could  make you sensitive to even the slightest form of perceived disappointment from your partner. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if we are really upset by something that’s happening in the moment, or if it is about past hurt that came well before our partner  arrived on the scene. When we have a big reaction to something, taking a look at that is always a good idea. Don’t get me wrong, they have their part in this dynamic too and there is a good chance you were drawn to someone who also by nature might be critical. We tend to be drawn to people who fit our wounds. In this example, someone with a critical parent may seek the approval of a critical partner to prove to themselves they really are good enough. However, herein lies the opportunity. 

Once you discover that your partner is triggering one of your sensitivities or wounds,  you can do something about it. You can try to look back at an argument once you aren’t emotional anymore and try to figure out what the deeper thing is that triggered you. In therapy, we do this by really slowing down interactions to try to understand what is going on under the surface. Maybe it’s a particular look in your partner's eyes that reminds you of that parent, it could also be tone of voice, or particular use of words or mannerisms. You also  get to explore what your partner is feeling when they are making that face, using those mannerisms, tone of voice etc. Oftentimes they aren’t thinking or feeling what you think or assume they are. They may be experiencing their own fears of inadequacy. Nobody likes to feel insecure so we often cover that up with other feelings, like anger, frustration or annoyance. But once we slow things down and peel back those layers, partners can find ways of sharing with each other that don’t trigger those particular wounds. I think of couples therapy as taking moment to moment interactions and pressing slow-mo, and then “watching it back” to pinpoint exactly where you lost each other and explore why. If you aren’t in therapy, you can also keep this in mind when trying to figure out why certain conversations ‘go off the rails’. You can think about what wound you might  be accidently stepping on when your partner reacts strongly to something, and vice versa for yourself. Shocker, partners are more likely to be receptive to, “ hey, when you use that tone of voice it reminds me of my dad, and then I shut down”, vs. “You are acting like an a- hole”. I know that’s not easy to do in the moment when you are upset, and you may say the second thing and then come back later with the first approach.  I know it’s not easy, but at least you know what you are aiming for. 

Your relationship is one of the few places in your life where you can fully be yourself and be vulnerable. Depending on what type of relationship you are in, it can either make you feel loved and accepted in a way you probably have never felt before, or continue to push the narrative that you aren’t good enough/ are alone etc.. If your relationship is poking those wounds on a regular basis it’s better to get help sooner than later. Why wouldn't you want to feel fully good enough, safe and accepted? I’m sure your partner wants the same. If this resonates with you and you are in a touch spot in your relationship, feel free to reach out for a consultation!